


The Dead Copper

by shadowsamurai



Category: Waking the Dead (TV)
Genre: Crack, Explicit Language, Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-03
Updated: 2012-07-03
Packaged: 2017-11-09 02:58:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/450498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowsamurai/pseuds/shadowsamurai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Monty Python's dead parrot sketch....WtD style.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Dead Copper

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously I don't own Monty Python or anything related either, and yeah, I nicked a lot of the lines too. :D

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm just borrowing things for a while and I promise I'll put everything back exactly how I found it when I've finished. Well, almost exactly how I found it. ;)

WtD-WtD-WtD-WtD-WtD-WtD

Grace tries to storm into the lab but fails due to the rather large body bag she's dragging laboriously behind herself.

"I wish to register a complaint!" she announces loudly.

Eve doesn't respond. Grace thinks she might not have heard; Eve has heard, she just can't be bothered replying. Partly because she's used to dealing with inanimate objects, and partly because she's busy smoking a joint the size of a stick of dynamite.

"Hello. Miss?" Grace tried again while trying not to huff impatiently. It doesn't work.

"Waddja want?" Eve drawls in a bored voice. "And don't sneeze in 'ere!"

"I'm sorry, I have a cold," Grace replies sheepishly, then remembers why she's there in the first place. "I wish to register a complaint!"

"Good fer you. We're closing' fer lunch."

Grace shakes her head. "Never mind that. I wish to complain about this copper I picked up not half an hour ago from this very facility." She kicks the body bag. There's a squeaking noise. She puts it down to the sole of her shoe on the plastic.

Eve stares, not really understanding a word that's being spoken to her. "From 'ere? Don't fink so, luv."

Grace realises Eve is stoned to the seven winds and fishes a receipt for Whips, Chains and Latex out of her handbag. "See this? It's a receipt from here, saying you sold me a copper!"

"Oh yeah." Eve takes a long drag of her joint, then looks over at the body bag. "It's, uh, it's the, uh, Petey Boyd, yeah? Well, uh, what's…what's wrong wiv 'im?"

"I'll tell you what's wrong with him," Grace says, getting irate. "He's dead, that's what's wrong with him!"

Eve kicks the body bag. It squeaks again. "Nah. 'E ain't dead, just…restin'. Yeah, that's it. 'E's restin'."

Grace shakes her head. "Look, I know a dead copper when I see one, and this one's dead!"

"No, no, 'e's not dead," Eve insists, unzipping the body bag and pointing. "'E's…'e's resting, see?" She strokes the body in the bag's face. "Remarkable copper, the Petey Boyd, innit? Beautiful pluuuumage!" She patted the body's hair. It squeaked in protest.

"The plumage does not enter into it," Grace says firmly. "He's stone dead. And I want a refund."

The notion of giving money back to a customer makes Eve start to panic. "Nononono, no, no! He's restin'!"

Grace thinks this would be amusing if it was happening to someone else. "All right then, if he's just resting, I'll wake him up." She starts to shout at the body. "Hello, Mister Petey Boyd! I've got a lovely fresh cup of coffee for you if you show.…"

Eve kicks the body again, but her aim is a little off and she ends up standing on it in a rather tender place, causing the body to flap like a fish out of water. "There, 'e moved!" Eve exclaims.

"No, he didn't, that was you nudging him!" Grace replies.

"I never!"

"Yes, you did!"

Eve shakes her head so hard she gives herself vertigo. "I never, never did anythin'...ever did nothin'…not me…twernt."

Grace stares for a moment while she decides the best course of action. As a result, the body in the bag starts to get battered. "Hello, Petey Boyd! Wakey waaaayyyykey!" she shouts loudly. "This is your nine o'clock alarm call!"

Eve grimaces at the noise and while Grace is trying to get the dead copper to wake up, she wanders off to lit another joint and down half a bottle of vodka. Suddenly Eve feels so much better. She watches Grace thump the copper's head on the floor, then attempt to throw him up in the air. A hand is about all that gets lifted, but the body seems to emit a loud grunt at the head banging.

Grace finally gives up. "Now that's what I call a dead copper."

But Eve isn't giving up so easily. "No, no... No, 'e's stunned!"

*"Stunned?"* Grace asks incredulously.

"Yeah! 'E wuz just wakin' up and you stunned 'im!" Eve explains as one would explain astrophysics to an amoeba. "High-ranking coppers like Petey Boyd 'ere stun dead easy, luv."

"Now look here…whatever you are, I've definitely had enough of this," Grace says impatiently. "That copper is definitely deceased, yet when I picked him up not half an hour ago, you assured me that his total lack of movement was due to him being tired and shagged out after a long…actually, you didn't want what."

"What what?" Eve asks, easily confused.

"A long what?"

"What?"

Grace thinks giving up now is a good idea. "Never mind. Look, this copper is dead."

"Nah, 'e's…'e's, ah...well, 'e's probably pining for 'is Mel&Frankie," Eve explains.

"*Pining* for his *Mel&Frankie*? What kind of talk is that?" Grace shakes her head. "Look, I took the liberty of examining that copper when I got him home, and I discovered the only reason that he had to be bought with the damn desk was because he'd been *nailed* there!"

"'Course 'e was nailed there," Eve replies in a tone of voice that makes it all sound perfectly normal. "If I hadn't nailed 'im down, 'e'd 'ave sidled up to the door, forced it open with the crowbar 'e keeps…well, don't matter where 'e keeps it, and voom!"

"Voom?" Grace repeats sceptically.

Eve nods enthusiastically. "VOOM!" she repeats, making hand motions to go with it. Though how one makes hand motions for 'voom', Grace isn't really sure.

"This copper wouldn't 'voom' if you put four million volts through him!" Grace says in total exasperation. "He's bloody well demised!"

"No, no! 'E's pining!" Eve insists.

Grace finally reaches the end of her tether. "He's not pining! He's passed on! This copper is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to his, desk he'd be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bloody choir invisible! All statements to the effect that this copper is still going are, henceforth, inoperative!" She takes a deep breath. *"This is a dead high-ranking copper!"*

Eve pauses, a nice, long, theatrical pause. "Well, I'd better replace 'im, then, innit?" She looks around the lab, peeking in all the cupboards. "Ah. Sorry, luv, but, uh, we're right out of high-rankin' coppers."

"I see. I see, I get the picture." Grace's tone could strip the hulls of oil tankers encrusted with barnacles.

"I've got a DI Jordan," Eve says after thinking for a long time. Long enough for Grace to take a bathroom break on the top floor of the building, anyway.

"Does it talk?" Grace asks, suddenly all sweetness and light.

Eve shakes her head. "No, no, it don't. Silent a grave."

Grace pauses before nodding firmly. "Right, I'll have that one then."

"Save me," the body in the bag meeps in a small voice.

"What was that?" Grace asks, frowning.

Eve quickly smothers the not-so-dead body in the bag. "Nuffin'. Nuffin' at all. Just…a little gas in the body, is all. Be right as rain in a minute."

"I thought he was dead!" Grace says, her voice growing louder.

"'E is!" Eve replies. "It's gas!" She stops smothering him and checks for a pulse. Nothing. "There? See? Waddeye tell ya? Gas."

"Very well. Good day, then." Grace walks out of the lab dragging the DI Jordan behind her.

Eve counts to ten, which turns into a hundred because she's too far gone to count, then nudges the body with her toe. "Alright, Petey, mate. You can get up now. She's gone."

Petey jumps to his feet, spritely as ever. "Thank fuck for that!"

"Problem?"

"Next time you sell me, make sure it's not to a dominatrix!" he replies.

Eve thinks that one over. "Should we get Spence back, 'dja fink?"

Petey thinks about it. "Nah. Quieter without him. Bugger never shuts up!"

FIN


End file.
